The attempted calm after the storm

So I binged yesterday, it was really bad. I was just really down for various reasons so my boyfriend surprised me with ordering Domino's which arrived a few minutes after I did at his place. I really was feeling pretty rotten so I just went for it. I ate it. I had three slices of the damn pizza as well as a few other things along the way, like biscuits and Haribo and just general junk. I'm now sick to my stomach with myself and I just feel so rotten. Like a massive failure.

At this point in time I really want to be strong and just NOT eat for at least a whole day or two, but I know that'll just lead to more failure as I'll go crazy not being able to have anything but water. I have tried it before and I just crack. So I'm going to try not to dwell too much on the happenings of yesterday as I've already cried my eyes out of it for a few hours. I am back on my 'nothing at all over 400 cal per day' diet now, and since it's 13.00 or so here, I haven't eaten anything yet. I always find my cravings come really badly between three and six in the afternoon - so I usually try to hold off until those hours to eat the bulk of whatever I'm having that day. Of course I crave like crazy later in the evening but I just DON'T let myself eat anything after six.

I know 400 calories can be a lot to work with if I for example make my own salads and don't use dressing, and by eating low calorie things, but some days I just go crazy for something like chocolate. The other day I couldn't stand it, I needed chocolate. I went and bought one small bar of chocolate and left, and it was amazing. 260 calories of chocolate is a lot on top of other stuff, but it is all I ate that day. So in actual fact, I can eat whatever the fuck I want just small amounts of it. The hunger doesn't really bug me anymore, so I'm fine on just one bar of chocolate or one cookie or something in a day.

There are these ridiculous cookies in the Sainsbury's supermarkets. It's their bakery section, so you have to go ask them to look the nutritional info up for you, or alternatively e-mail them, which I did, this is what I got:

Taste the Difference milk chocolate cookies 
 Per cookie 
1628 kjoules 
390 kcals 

390 calories in ONE average sized cookie. Haha, absolutely fucking terrible. I guess if I really wanted one that would be my limit for the day, but to be honest, the other cookies are the same size but with about 170 calories less. To be honest though, the cookies are pretty damn amazing. Not sure they're worth the 390 calories though.

Think I might have some wheatabix today as I've really been feeling like cereal. And Wheatabix is easy as you don't have to go measure out the portion size etc, and two tablets of the cereal seems like quite a bit. It is filling at least. With 100ml of skimmed milk, it's 150 calories, which isn't too bad and leaves me som lenience for the rest of the day. 

I watched Black Swan the other day, the pretty new Natalie Portman movie about ballet. And my god she's so tiny in it. Way smaller than she has ever been before, and she got a lot of flak for that. But she looked stunning - so tiny and weightless. I will be like that.

xoxo 

Yes please to legs like these

Drown yourself in water

'Starving Artist' was totally right with her suggestion of basically drinking a fuck load of water when craving food. I tried it, and I drank as much as I physically felt I could, and my stomach just felt so full of liquid that I didn't think I could actually fit more in. Having your stomach that full also makes the hunger go away. Awesome tip there - really appreciated it. To top it off, after drinking loads of water I brushed my teeth, so my cravings were 100% gone. Another thing that helps me is reading a little of Wasted by Marya Hornbacher - not really intended as motivation but it does the trick. I do have it on a file so if anyone wants it I can email it, (first come first serve though, not going to keep emailing it for years obviously), just leave the email in comments.

Had 301 calories today, which is right on my target, well 1 calorie over...but hey. I had a yoghurt at 95 calories and zero fat, toffee flavour so it did sort of feel like a treat to be honest! And then I had toast with weight watchers baked beans, sooo long since I've had that English dish. I did drink a lot too, and I'm taking my vitamins. Superficially chosen by me: vitamins targeting the nutrients hair needs. I really do love my hair. Went to the hair dressers and apparently my hair is so healthy now - she could tell by the masses of new strands coming through at my scalp - whoop.

It's evening now, and I just love the feeling of feeling slim in the evening. When I eat a lot more than 300 calories in a day I just feel enormous and bloated by the evening. I think of things I used to eat in a day and feel disgusted that that much volume of food was being pressed into a fist-sized stomach or so. As soon as this 'stretching' happens my whole midriff expands and the ability to suck in etc is completely gone and you're left with an outwards bump that won't go away till morning. Then you look in the mirror and fool yourself that you don't look that bad, and then the cycle begins and by the evening your belly looks nothing like the flat empty one you saw straight after waking up. Well that was the story for me anyway, and every night I would be equally upset that I made my stomach expand. It's just nice to be back on track and see absolutely no different between my morning belly and my evening belly. Sounds random, but it's true - it really does make me happy. Now I am not skinny yet, but at least I'm losing. It sucks, but it takes time. How amazing it would be if it was just instant.

Tomorrow I will eat this I reckon - and spread it out obviously. I have a lot of coursework to do tomorrow, so instead of indulging on two bricks of wheatabix wih semi skimmed milk all in one go, I'm going to go for lower calorie things so I will eat more often:

- Small Granny Smith apple (70kcal)

- Fat-free yoghurt (80kcal)

- WeightWatchers tomato soup (65kcal) - or might go for one of the other flavours I have, but they're even lower in calories anyway.

- Small Granny Smith apple again (70kcal)

I'm really wanting to start drinking coffee, just black americano coffee. For multiple reasons really, one being that I think it's incredibly cool (which is a ridiculous reason). Though people do say it helps speed metabolism, and also, it does give energy, which I could probably use after dropping from eating normally to eating 300 calories. Maybe I will try it soon. I'll give allt he cafes a little go - one of my friends drinks Starbucks black coffee every single day, but can't stand the one from Costa. Perhaps I will start with trying out starbucks as it tends to be more mild. I do love cappuccino though, but I'd rather have it minus the calories. 

Stay skinny, beautifuls. 

xoxo

2 days down, and an unbelievable 38 to go

Well, I have successfully managed my first two days of my comeback, which means I'm off to a good start at least. I didn't eat at all yesterday - I was too scared that if one thing touched my mouth after about 4 months off dieting that a sort of frenzy would begin and I wouldn't be able to stop myself before everything in sight was gone. But hey, I'm very happy that I ate nothing - it made me feel pure and cleansed. Today I ate two small green apples, which I weighed, and together they make up 120 calories - I love these techy online calculator things these days, totally pro-ana friendly.

Now I just hope I can keep it up! 38 days is a long time of eating under 200 (300 absolute max) per day.

It's weird how much better I feel when I don't eat, but then the cravings STILL manage to get the better of me so often. It's never the hunger, or the weak feeling, or even the 'I'm going to vomit cause I haven't eaten for sooo many hours' feeling that gets to me - never. At those times, eating is the last thing I want, cause it's my body's way of telling me I'm succeeding - and who wants to eat when you're feeling a bit sick anyway? It's purely stupid over-fantasized cravings. The ones which stop you from focusing on anything else and makes your mouth water so bad that its near impossible to resist. To be honest, it's disgusting. That is my new revelation; whenever my mouth waters because of food I am going to tell myself how sick I am that I'm letting food (which isn't even in front of me or anywhere near me!) control my body like that. It's purely my mind creating these images of food, nothing else - and it is MY mind, so I will overcome it.

The other thing that has made me crack in the past is the casual 'Ah whatever, I don't care' feeling that overcomes me after a while. Where I just lose focus and basically just say 'fuck it' and ear normally. But then I always end up depressed afterwards because I do care - I really do. From now on, not eating will be the priority in my thinking; I have to live it and breathe it every minute. Because this is it, I am running out of time; I can not stay in this body any longer - I don't belong here.

Tomorrow I'm going to an intimate birthday meal - I say intimate because there is only 6 of us, so not eating isn't an option unfortunately. The liklihood is that everything will be fried with the dreaded butter and oils which add so much more to restaurant meals than most people assume. It's a lovely expensive restaurant, so at least I hope it won't be the worst. Now, it specialises  in steaks, so I might go for a small one and then just not order any sides; or I guess I will look at the vegetarian options too. But vegetarian meals usually incorporate sides and sauces and make a whole plate out of it (when it comes to restaurants anyway). Whilst a plain grilled beef with no sauce and no extras in a small size can't be tooo much more than 300. In any case, I don't need to finish it, and my boyfriend will very kindly subtly finish off anything I leave. (He doesn't realise how much I appreciate this). I've looked at the menu online, and I was thoroughly disappointed that the only salads were tiny side salads, not actual meals - really annoying. I was thinking I could order one with my steak but then I thought - why add more calories to an already difficult meal. There may not me many calories in plain green salad without dressing - but every calorie counts.

So what does everyone else do on restaurant visits? Would love some tips.

It's my reading week here in London at my university at the moment - I really should be doing work, but being back on this diet is, yes relieving and amazing, but also time consuming when it comes to my thoughts. I find myself too occupied to work even though I'm just sitting on my bed thinking or doing nothing at all. Will have to pull myself together. The diet isn't all to blame though - Call of Duty: Black Ops, is definitely getting the better of my attention. Damn Xbox, totally taking over my life.

Stay light everyone!

xoxo

Megan Fox (recent). Press are saying she's looking a bit too skinny and losing all the 'assets' she's famous for. Personally: I don't think she's ever looked better.

I guess this is an 'I'm back' post

Well, well, well. Where to begin? I lost my internet for about a month, which was shit, because the only computers I could use were friends' computers, uni computers', and my boyfriend's computer for the most part. All of these are of course big no-no's when it come to anything pro-ana related.

Then there's the BIG reason - my mum has had cancer for about 14 years now, but it's always been small, and controlled in a way. Not caused too many issues, mostly due to the hugely new and expensive treatment my dad's lucky enough to afford for her. Though about 2 weeks after I stopped posting cause of lack of internet access, she flew over from Switzerland (my parents live there, I live in London- we basically live all over the place) to tell me that her cancer has radically spread and things aren't going too well. Due to having cancer for so long, her heart is now so weak, and her blood pressure through the roof. All the time. She's meant to be put on a transplant list for a new heart, but who gives a new heart to someone with a terminal illness right? It's just been a really big deal, and I've fallen behind on everything including Ana, whom i completely left behind in all the bad news and drama.

My mum is still alive, and she's doing ok considering - she really is a strong person to still be coping. She's on a new treatment set now, which seems to be helping a little. It's just so scary - I don't want to lose her, and I see now that she'll probably be slipping away a lot sooner than she should. She's not on her deathbed or anything at the moment, but I'm obviously worried.

That said, I'm not going to make excuses and give up on my dream. Yeah, the past months have been hard, but we're all getting through it and I'm appalled that I've only lost 2 kg in these many months. I'm back on track from today though - I guess I should be happy that I've actually lost weight whilst eating normally again - so all those suckers who claim that pro ana diets make you gain it ALL back and more straight away can stuff it.

I really need to find motivation now, so I will be reading all your lovely motivational blogs, and checking out some of those amazing thinspiration blogs out there.

I have made a little check list, the next forty days, I have a limit of 200 calories per day - very little because I need to start with a bang, and also I doubt I will be doing much more than bedroom exercise. Well walking too though, lots and lots of walking.

I'm looking forward to putting a big fat tick next to every single one of those forty days on my little chart. I am so ready to get skinny. I'm sick of worrying about summer and bikinis and tiny little shorts. I WILL be comfortable in my own skin this summer. I must.

The thought of not being able to grab or pinch any fat on my body warms me. I just want to be pure, just me - no excess.

Missed you all, and hope I still have a follower or two now I'm back.

xoxo

I gave myself some freedom - and MAN I filled it with food...

I'd been doing so well - fasted for 5 days - no slip-ups, and then had 200 calories for a few days - no slip-ups. and now I go eat chocolate. Why? Just why. I wasn't even hungry - the feeling of being hungry had pretty much vanished all together. I just wanted something. So I sat there, thinking about my favourite chocolate my friend had brought me back from Sweden sitting in the cupboard. And then my mouth starts watering like some sick, fat pig. Who's mouth WATERS when thinking about food? I'm disgusting.
So I ate it.
Now it wasn't one of those portion bars which only has about 250-300 calories in, oh no...THAT I probably wouldn't cry over. It was a hefty 400 gram bar. I'm so ashamed to even admit it. It just went down quickly...Bam! And the whole damn thing was gone, and I just sat there crying and feeling sick. This was one of those moments I wanted to purge so badly - but I just don't. I don't even think I'd manage. After this I just sat at home moping. Wishing I could control my cravings like all the models and actresses. I know controlling cravings is hard and all that - but SO many people seem to manage it, so why shouldn't I.

The only good thing that came out of this was motivation to continue my ana ways and not fail again. In my motivation of feeling gross and crap I planned out my next week of food. I have written EXACTLY what I'll consume in the next days, but I'm allowed to drink anything as long as it's low to no calorie. Now, I'm pretty good at following plans, so considering I've planned a week now, I'll plan the week after that towards the end of this week and so on and so fourth. PLEASE give me the motivation to continue. It's all I want. I had my "fun" with the chocolate today so it's time to get back on track. And to be honest, the chocolate wasn't even that amazing - it was like 5 mins of pleasure and then nothing, just sickness and feeling gross.

Tomorrow, I'll be consuming 3 plain low fat rice cakes. Yeah, I know, it sounds terribly boring, but I need to get into the state of mind where food is uninteresting and unimportant. And plain rice cakes should do that. To be honest, I don't mind them - I think they're kinda yummy, but not more-ish which is good. Obviously, I'd want to eat something else. But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm going to kick that chocolate's ass with my next planned out week. Screw you cravings - I am so over you.

Remember that food is uninteresting, future skinnies.

xoxo

THINSPO

Fasting progress report

Oh. My. God. I have been so busy with uni and courseworks and just general reading for my course. There is just SO much reading - it's almost unbearable. Good news is I've been far to busy to eat and though yesterday was pretty rough, I'm still going strong and I still can't believe it. I can't actually believe I've managed to fast for four days. I have never managed to show such strength when it comes to dieting ever.

More good news: Found an ana buddy and she's absolutely awesome, we're connecting so well and I feel like I've known her for years and can tell her anything. We're pretty similar I think, shame she lives in America! We'd totally get along. Anyway she's helping me through it and she's such an inspiration to me - total motivator. We feel like we're in this together...I am so lucky to have found her.

I watched Sharing the Secret on youtube - the whole film is there. And I really enjoyed it. She had the most stunning figure ever. And even though I'm not mia in the slightest, I still found it inspiring and it gave me some motivation. I liked that it was made in 2000 so it's not too old or anything. But my god I wanted to die when I saw her in her leotard - she was so tiny and perfect. I will be like that someday. Just you wait.

Going to fast for one more day - that makes it 5. Then I'm thinking about eating under 200 calories for five days then fasting for five again...I'm a bit unsure though. But I will eat a little after tomorrow is done and dusted.

Love you all and stay empty.

xoxo

Main character from Sharing the Secret. She's all grown up here, but still tiny.

Fast Day 1

Woo! I haven't eaten anything today, and I just got back home from seeing a friend for a couple of hours, and even though I kinda, well really, want to eat...I came back and threw out everything binge-worthy. Basically anything that tastes nice. Now there's nothing worth breaking my fast for...but amazing choc chip cookies would actually BE worth it, but would feel and taste worth it. But they are gone. As well as everything yummy.

It feels amazing  to have managed one day. Yes, I know, it's nothing to brag about - anyone could do a day, but I really thought I'd break and eat something...even if that something was little, I thought I would. But I didn't, so it just makes me feel happy. I'm totally empty :)

Tomorrow comes day 2 of my fast. Got a really full day at uni which is good in that you don't have time to eat, but bad because everyone goes and sort of eats lunch together. It's suspicious sitting there with a rumbling stomach and claiming you're not hungry! How do I make it shut up!? I'll just take the whole 'I feel a bit sick' story, and it'll be cool. I'll be sipping something filling like diet coke anyway. Guess that will silence my stomach.

Stay skinny, people!

xoxo

JUST, WOW.

First ever fast.

I'm going to start a fast tomorrow...have NO idea how well that's going to go, but I really am going to try my hardest. If it gets tooooo bad, then I'll probably go back to 200 calories a day, otherwise I may just break and end up having a huge binge. It's better to allow myself to have controlled food than to push myself too far which will just cause the opposite of what I want. That said, I WILL do three days at least. I have to. Well that's what I've predecided anyway. Cool if anyone else wants to join!

I'm allowed to drink the following: water (obviously), zero calorie sugar-free squash, diet coke/coke zero, green tea, normal tea with one sweetener and a tiny splash of skimmed milk (just how I like it anyway). And that's it. It seems scary to me, but I'm secretly so excited. Apparently if you do a fast you lose like a pound a day - think positive!

Oh, by the way, if anyone else wants to download Wasted as a free pdf file, then here's the link: http://depositfiles.com/en/files/8661557 - sometimes things like this get removed after a while, but it's definitely working for the moment.

So I posted on yahoo answers that I was seeking a pro ana email buddy to really get into the personal and help each other on our road to skinniness. Although a blog is helping there's something about focusing on one person and sort of believing that you're both in this together and you can't let each other down. Anyway, I posted a question thing and specified that I wanted someone my age and in the UK, and preferably in the same part of their life as me - ie. going to uni. It just makes working together and relating to each other so much easier. Though I have NOTHING against helping a 14 year old and getting advice from them...but it means we'll have different problems. They have the problem of hiding it from their parents, whilst I practically live alone. In a way I wish someone was sort of watching over me - not 24/7 but more often than at the moment, because it may actually help me to stop getting binging cravings. When I'm alone, I want to eat SO much more...cause no one will see the damage. It's bad. But I'm getting over this - slowly.

Anyway, I got a couple of emails posted under my question, so I sent them both an email, admittedly the same email, but I wanted to find out which one of them I could relate to more. Now I've just browsed their yahoo answers account, and one of them seems to have joined yahoo answers purely to reply to my question with their email which seems very promising. Well, the other...not so much. This is what she wrote in reply to another question; that question being:

Understanding anorexics and others who suffer from food disorders?

Sometimes I think food disorders are about attention. I know I shouldn't think that, but if they aren't, what are they caused by?"

Her answer:
Well everyones gonna be different. Some do it for attention, some to cope with feelings, past experinces, depression, striving to "do one right thing in there life," so they believe, and to deal with anxiety. The list goes on. Not everyone knows each other, maybe one girl has to deal with growing up with abuse, so she turned to anorexia to feel accepted. Maybe one girl just looks at her friends and decides she really needs to lose weight. Theres no one answer. Accept this is a serious issue, and when people turn to this, they need serious help, which is absoultly always avaliable. There's so much more to live for than food and weight...

Well that's just great - I hope she realises I'm just going to block her emails anyway now. I think it was kinda pointless of her to ONLY leave her email so I would think it was someone who actually wanted to help me. But no, she wanted to trick me into emailing her, the pro ana hater. I just thought it was a little unnecessary and wanted to rant about it. I wonder what she'll email back - I mean I asked the woman if she wanted to join me in a fast! Ha..

If anyone wants to join me in a fast, let me knoowww! 

Over and out, future skinnies.

xoxo

(Whyyy won't this let me upload my photos anymore? Anyone else got this problem?)

Trigger book...

Today I fasted. Thanks for the advice BellaAna...I totally did what you suggested, and you're right. And since I managed to not eat at all today and only drink low or no calorie drinks I feel I'm back on track, and positive I'll manage my no more than 200 cal a day diet. To be honest, I don't have a choice - I  can't live like this anymore.

Just downloaded Wasted by Marya Hornbacher for free which is awesome, been looking for it for sometime and I finally found it. Apparently it's pretty good thinspo, and if you sorta read in the wrong way you can actually get some nice tips and tricks, or it'll simply trigger you to continue with your pro-ana lifestyle. Obviously she's not trying to be a trigger, but many claim the book really is. 

Tomorrow, I will eat 3 low fat rice cakes and one small apple (all spread out over the day of course). And that will be it. I know I can do this. I have to. That is what I will eat, and that is all. I'm allowed green tea, coke zero and water too. I will not be a failure and have to admit it on here. 

I'm now going to tuck into bed and continue reading Wasted (only read the first chapter so far). I feel so amazingly empty and light. I must remember this feeling, it actually feels good as opposed to feeling bloated and stuffed - lets admit, no one likes that feeling.

Stay empty, bitches.

xoxo

Pasta is evil.

So I mentioned that I was going to be having spaghetti tonight with my boyfriend and that it would be the only thing I ate today and would go to the gym today as well for two hours. I did go to the gym, and I did eat the spaghetti. And I don't think I've ever felt this bad ever.

That one small bowl of spaghetti and meatballs (which wasn't hard to eat as it was really yummy) has left me feeling enormous. I feel huge, unhappy, depressed. I'm the biggest failure ever. I reckon my bowl was 800 calories, and I burned 700 at the gym today but nothing seems to lift my mood. All I want to do right now is spiral into a whole new set of extremes. I want to take my 500 cal per day limit down to 200, and keep it there. For a really long time. I keep stepping on the scales and the numbers just aren't moving. I'll admit I probably weight myself too often to ever make me happy with the results, but still. It's just the worst feeling ever.

I can't even look at myself right now. If I go to the mirror I think I will cry. I just want what I ate out of me right now. I don't purge, and I won't do it either. I tried like 5 times in my life and failed to manage every time, so there's really no point. Also, I think that if I slip up and fail I should have to deal with the consequences, that way I'll learn discipline not just destroy my teeth. That said though, if I could, I probably would - especially at times like these.

I really truly hate how I look, I'm completely ashamed. I try on like 20 different outfits every day and none of them ever look good enough, sometimes at the end of my depressing fashion show I end up not leaving the flat at all, cause I just don't feel comfortable in my own body.

I guess I always knew there'd be days like this, but hey, maybe it'll just make me stronger.

THIN PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS MORE BEAUTIFUL

Tricky day...

My boyfriend's coming over tonight, and though he's usually fine with me eating something totally different to him, like a small salad or a tiny tray of sushi or like half a weightwatchers meal he seems adament that tonight we shall eat together. And guess what he picked? Spaghetti and meatballs... It's kinda a disaster. I don't want to push it though, cause I don't want him to actually realise how much I see food like that as an enemy. He's not the kinda guy to push things like that under the carpet - he'll attack my 'problem' and make me scared of losing him. I love him more than anyone in the world, and he means everything to me. Been together for over three years now and he loves my UK size 10 figure a hell of a lot more than I do. So around him, I guess I kinda need to adjust. It's just so hard.

I'm glad it'll be an early dinner though, as he has this thing to go to later, so we'll be eating around 17.30, so I will go to the gym after he's left. I don't even have a clue how many calories a small portion of spaghetti and meatballs with tomato sauce. He won't care if I eat a childs amount, he just seems to want to watch me eat it. Whoop. It will be all I consume today though, and I'll spend a couple hours at the gym this evening, which will definitely help. I tend to avoid going to the gym to be honest, which is shit I know. But I feel like I have to eat more when I do, or I just sort of collapse or feel so sick I can't really sat upright for most of the day. I guess I'm just weak. Ironically I feel so fat at the gym compared to anywhere else (minus the beach), so I hate going cause it feels so degrading. It's really strange as no one really judges how you look at the gym, everyone's just there minding their own business and kudos to everyone for going in the first place!

It's crazy how much I think about food when I'm so set on not eating it. It's true that pro-anas really ARE obsessed with food, just not in the same way as most.

Stay strong, bitches.

THINSPO

Taking up planning.

I binged yesterday. It was the worst feeling ever but it tasted so amazing. With every bite I was thinking 'I shouldn't be doing this. I really shouldn't be doing this'...it kinda took the pleasure out of it, which is why I stopped after only half the pot of Ben and Jerry's - otherwise I promise you the entire thing would have gone down. I still can't believe I ate it. This should be easy! Getting skinny should be easy cause it's what I want, more than pretty much everything. I just can't believe I let my self control slip after so long of doing well.

I've decided to plan out my food every evening for the coming day. I find that I mess up most when I start thinking 'Humm, what do I feel like eating? What should I eat?' is when I screw up most. So now I'll never have to think that, I'll eat what's on my plan. And only that.

Plan for today:
- Rice Cake (28 cal)
- Small Apple (50 cal)
- One serving of jelly (10 cal - gotta love the sugarfree jelly!)
- Heinz pasta shapes, small (127)

Total: 215


I guess the only good thing about a binge is that it really makes you motivated afterwards. My second year of uni has just started again though, so I'll be busier. Less time to just sit around near the fridge...

Now, I'm going to watch the new Gossip Girl and 90210 - both GREAT thinspos.

THINSPO

What I ate today...

Today I had nothing all day but a can of coke zero and lots of water. I had one serving of soup for dinner (140 calories), and a small raw carrot (10 calories).

So overall, I had 150 calories today. I'm not skinny yet - but I will be.

Waking up hungry...

The worst is when I wake up hungry. Cause when I wake up that way it feels like the hunger will never go and I'm weak from the first minute of the day. I also generally try to convince myself that it's ok to eat something yummy or some cereal because it's morning, and I need to kickstart my metabolism and 'I'll probably burn it of during the day'... Well no, it's not ok for me to just stuff my face just cause it's morning. So I'm going to go take a diet coke and make that fill my belly instead - yeah, real healthy I know.

I will be skinny. I will be skinny. I will be skinny. Need to say it out loud, cause sometimes I seem to forget. I guess one binge now and then is acceptable, but one often turns into three or five, and before you know it, you've put on a few pounds. Not this time round, I won't allow myself. Fallen down that hill too many times before.

If being skinny is pretty much the one thing I want more than anything right now, and it is indeed something I can easily do about it - why do I find it so hard?

My mother's always thought I was fat, so she's delighted that I'm on a calorie restricted diet to be honest. I do tell her I'm eating 600 a day, which is a total lie, but I figured giving her the actual numbers would trigger her thoughts: I should protest to that cause it's not technically good, but secretly she'd be delighted. I don't actually live with her as I'm at uni and I live with my older sister, but so far she's uncontrollably happy with my rapid weight loss. She's a bit twisted like that, but hey! I'll take whatever support I can get.

My sister on the other hand likes to criticise it, but she's just pissed she always fails her diet, so she secretly doesn't want me to succeed. And then there's my boyfriend - my amazing boyfriend who doesn't like bones. I mostly live with him to be honest, as he has his own flat. He wants me to be happy obviously, so he's ok (ish) with me going on a diet, he's just NOT ok with the diet I'm on.

How do you hide it from the people you're close to?

THINSPO

Less likely to f up when people are watching.

So I'm completely new at this stuff, but I've been reading so many pro ana blogs this past month, and sadly a lot of them have been abandoned. I kinda like writing, so I figured I'd give it a shot. I mean, I should be less likely to screw up when I have to admit it to people, right?

I'm going to have a total no secrets policy when it comes to progress anyway - I gain - I tell. I binge- you'll know.

It's crazy, I've been trying to diet for about 6 years now, and every single one left me with a feeble 2kg (4.4lbs) loss, which I put straight back on again. Why the hell should losing weight be so hard when the single thing I want most in life is to actually be skinny for once, not normal or average, but skinny. Everyone in the world looks better thin, and I'm one of them. I used to be tiny up to the age of 13 when it all went wrong. Now I'm 20 and I'm still unhappy. I am honestly ashamed that I've tried to convince myself that I'm not fat and ugly and gross. Although, I have lost 10kg (22lbs) in one and a half month now...and I have the pro ana lifestyle to thank. It's the only thing that's worked. I count calories like a hawk and am constantly thinking about food, not generally about wanting to eat it, but about what I can't eat, what I can eat, and in general - what I won't eat.

Petty 'healthy' diets never did anything for me, extremes are the way forward. And who wants to spend an entire year on a full diet to lose weight. I want it done quick and fast - cause I'm sick of being like this.

I generally eat under 500 calories a day, and it's amazing how much you can eat really. If I'm having a proper dinner I eat a weight watchers microwave ready meal, and usually don't bother finishing it. My weakness is diet coke and the likes, which stops the cravings and fills my stomach - so all in all, it's not a bad craving.

What I ate today:
- 2 Low fat rice cakes (56)
- 150g of blackberries (56)
- Marks & Spencer low cal/low fat fish pie (260)
- 2 small carrots (15)
TOTAL: 387 calories (and I feel good)

Really want to get hold of the book Wasted - I've heard it's brilliant and triggering. Now that I've lost 10kg, I need motivation to actually KEEP GOING. I'm not at my goal yet, but my mind really seems to be slipping, I was actually considering buying a Krispy Kreme earlier, and we all know that would end in tears.

Catch y'all later, bitches.

xoxo

THINSPO