2 days down, and an unbelievable 38 to go

Well, I have successfully managed my first two days of my comeback, which means I'm off to a good start at least. I didn't eat at all yesterday - I was too scared that if one thing touched my mouth after about 4 months off dieting that a sort of frenzy would begin and I wouldn't be able to stop myself before everything in sight was gone. But hey, I'm very happy that I ate nothing - it made me feel pure and cleansed. Today I ate two small green apples, which I weighed, and together they make up 120 calories - I love these techy online calculator things these days, totally pro-ana friendly.

Now I just hope I can keep it up! 38 days is a long time of eating under 200 (300 absolute max) per day.

It's weird how much better I feel when I don't eat, but then the cravings STILL manage to get the better of me so often. It's never the hunger, or the weak feeling, or even the 'I'm going to vomit cause I haven't eaten for sooo many hours' feeling that gets to me - never. At those times, eating is the last thing I want, cause it's my body's way of telling me I'm succeeding - and who wants to eat when you're feeling a bit sick anyway? It's purely stupid over-fantasized cravings. The ones which stop you from focusing on anything else and makes your mouth water so bad that its near impossible to resist. To be honest, it's disgusting. That is my new revelation; whenever my mouth waters because of food I am going to tell myself how sick I am that I'm letting food (which isn't even in front of me or anywhere near me!) control my body like that. It's purely my mind creating these images of food, nothing else - and it is MY mind, so I will overcome it.

The other thing that has made me crack in the past is the casual 'Ah whatever, I don't care' feeling that overcomes me after a while. Where I just lose focus and basically just say 'fuck it' and ear normally. But then I always end up depressed afterwards because I do care - I really do. From now on, not eating will be the priority in my thinking; I have to live it and breathe it every minute. Because this is it, I am running out of time; I can not stay in this body any longer - I don't belong here.

Tomorrow I'm going to an intimate birthday meal - I say intimate because there is only 6 of us, so not eating isn't an option unfortunately. The liklihood is that everything will be fried with the dreaded butter and oils which add so much more to restaurant meals than most people assume. It's a lovely expensive restaurant, so at least I hope it won't be the worst. Now, it specialises  in steaks, so I might go for a small one and then just not order any sides; or I guess I will look at the vegetarian options too. But vegetarian meals usually incorporate sides and sauces and make a whole plate out of it (when it comes to restaurants anyway). Whilst a plain grilled beef with no sauce and no extras in a small size can't be tooo much more than 300. In any case, I don't need to finish it, and my boyfriend will very kindly subtly finish off anything I leave. (He doesn't realise how much I appreciate this). I've looked at the menu online, and I was thoroughly disappointed that the only salads were tiny side salads, not actual meals - really annoying. I was thinking I could order one with my steak but then I thought - why add more calories to an already difficult meal. There may not me many calories in plain green salad without dressing - but every calorie counts.

So what does everyone else do on restaurant visits? Would love some tips.

It's my reading week here in London at my university at the moment - I really should be doing work, but being back on this diet is, yes relieving and amazing, but also time consuming when it comes to my thoughts. I find myself too occupied to work even though I'm just sitting on my bed thinking or doing nothing at all. Will have to pull myself together. The diet isn't all to blame though - Call of Duty: Black Ops, is definitely getting the better of my attention. Damn Xbox, totally taking over my life.

Stay light everyone!

xoxo

Megan Fox (recent). Press are saying she's looking a bit too skinny and losing all the 'assets' she's famous for. Personally: I don't think she's ever looked better.