I guess this is an 'I'm back' post

Well, well, well. Where to begin? I lost my internet for about a month, which was shit, because the only computers I could use were friends' computers, uni computers', and my boyfriend's computer for the most part. All of these are of course big no-no's when it come to anything pro-ana related.

Then there's the BIG reason - my mum has had cancer for about 14 years now, but it's always been small, and controlled in a way. Not caused too many issues, mostly due to the hugely new and expensive treatment my dad's lucky enough to afford for her. Though about 2 weeks after I stopped posting cause of lack of internet access, she flew over from Switzerland (my parents live there, I live in London- we basically live all over the place) to tell me that her cancer has radically spread and things aren't going too well. Due to having cancer for so long, her heart is now so weak, and her blood pressure through the roof. All the time. She's meant to be put on a transplant list for a new heart, but who gives a new heart to someone with a terminal illness right? It's just been a really big deal, and I've fallen behind on everything including Ana, whom i completely left behind in all the bad news and drama.

My mum is still alive, and she's doing ok considering - she really is a strong person to still be coping. She's on a new treatment set now, which seems to be helping a little. It's just so scary - I don't want to lose her, and I see now that she'll probably be slipping away a lot sooner than she should. She's not on her deathbed or anything at the moment, but I'm obviously worried.

That said, I'm not going to make excuses and give up on my dream. Yeah, the past months have been hard, but we're all getting through it and I'm appalled that I've only lost 2 kg in these many months. I'm back on track from today though - I guess I should be happy that I've actually lost weight whilst eating normally again - so all those suckers who claim that pro ana diets make you gain it ALL back and more straight away can stuff it.

I really need to find motivation now, so I will be reading all your lovely motivational blogs, and checking out some of those amazing thinspiration blogs out there.

I have made a little check list, the next forty days, I have a limit of 200 calories per day - very little because I need to start with a bang, and also I doubt I will be doing much more than bedroom exercise. Well walking too though, lots and lots of walking.

I'm looking forward to putting a big fat tick next to every single one of those forty days on my little chart. I am so ready to get skinny. I'm sick of worrying about summer and bikinis and tiny little shorts. I WILL be comfortable in my own skin this summer. I must.

The thought of not being able to grab or pinch any fat on my body warms me. I just want to be pure, just me - no excess.

Missed you all, and hope I still have a follower or two now I'm back.

xoxo