I gave myself some freedom - and MAN I filled it with food...

I'd been doing so well - fasted for 5 days - no slip-ups, and then had 200 calories for a few days - no slip-ups. and now I go eat chocolate. Why? Just why. I wasn't even hungry - the feeling of being hungry had pretty much vanished all together. I just wanted something. So I sat there, thinking about my favourite chocolate my friend had brought me back from Sweden sitting in the cupboard. And then my mouth starts watering like some sick, fat pig. Who's mouth WATERS when thinking about food? I'm disgusting.
So I ate it.
Now it wasn't one of those portion bars which only has about 250-300 calories in, oh no...THAT I probably wouldn't cry over. It was a hefty 400 gram bar. I'm so ashamed to even admit it. It just went down quickly...Bam! And the whole damn thing was gone, and I just sat there crying and feeling sick. This was one of those moments I wanted to purge so badly - but I just don't. I don't even think I'd manage. After this I just sat at home moping. Wishing I could control my cravings like all the models and actresses. I know controlling cravings is hard and all that - but SO many people seem to manage it, so why shouldn't I.

The only good thing that came out of this was motivation to continue my ana ways and not fail again. In my motivation of feeling gross and crap I planned out my next week of food. I have written EXACTLY what I'll consume in the next days, but I'm allowed to drink anything as long as it's low to no calorie. Now, I'm pretty good at following plans, so considering I've planned a week now, I'll plan the week after that towards the end of this week and so on and so fourth. PLEASE give me the motivation to continue. It's all I want. I had my "fun" with the chocolate today so it's time to get back on track. And to be honest, the chocolate wasn't even that amazing - it was like 5 mins of pleasure and then nothing, just sickness and feeling gross.

Tomorrow, I'll be consuming 3 plain low fat rice cakes. Yeah, I know, it sounds terribly boring, but I need to get into the state of mind where food is uninteresting and unimportant. And plain rice cakes should do that. To be honest, I don't mind them - I think they're kinda yummy, but not more-ish which is good. Obviously, I'd want to eat something else. But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm going to kick that chocolate's ass with my next planned out week. Screw you cravings - I am so over you.

Remember that food is uninteresting, future skinnies.

xoxo

THINSPO

Fasting progress report

Oh. My. God. I have been so busy with uni and courseworks and just general reading for my course. There is just SO much reading - it's almost unbearable. Good news is I've been far to busy to eat and though yesterday was pretty rough, I'm still going strong and I still can't believe it. I can't actually believe I've managed to fast for four days. I have never managed to show such strength when it comes to dieting ever.

More good news: Found an ana buddy and she's absolutely awesome, we're connecting so well and I feel like I've known her for years and can tell her anything. We're pretty similar I think, shame she lives in America! We'd totally get along. Anyway she's helping me through it and she's such an inspiration to me - total motivator. We feel like we're in this together...I am so lucky to have found her.

I watched Sharing the Secret on youtube - the whole film is there. And I really enjoyed it. She had the most stunning figure ever. And even though I'm not mia in the slightest, I still found it inspiring and it gave me some motivation. I liked that it was made in 2000 so it's not too old or anything. But my god I wanted to die when I saw her in her leotard - she was so tiny and perfect. I will be like that someday. Just you wait.

Going to fast for one more day - that makes it 5. Then I'm thinking about eating under 200 calories for five days then fasting for five again...I'm a bit unsure though. But I will eat a little after tomorrow is done and dusted.

Love you all and stay empty.

xoxo

Main character from Sharing the Secret. She's all grown up here, but still tiny.

Fast Day 1

Woo! I haven't eaten anything today, and I just got back home from seeing a friend for a couple of hours, and even though I kinda, well really, want to eat...I came back and threw out everything binge-worthy. Basically anything that tastes nice. Now there's nothing worth breaking my fast for...but amazing choc chip cookies would actually BE worth it, but would feel and taste worth it. But they are gone. As well as everything yummy.

It feels amazing  to have managed one day. Yes, I know, it's nothing to brag about - anyone could do a day, but I really thought I'd break and eat something...even if that something was little, I thought I would. But I didn't, so it just makes me feel happy. I'm totally empty :)

Tomorrow comes day 2 of my fast. Got a really full day at uni which is good in that you don't have time to eat, but bad because everyone goes and sort of eats lunch together. It's suspicious sitting there with a rumbling stomach and claiming you're not hungry! How do I make it shut up!? I'll just take the whole 'I feel a bit sick' story, and it'll be cool. I'll be sipping something filling like diet coke anyway. Guess that will silence my stomach.

Stay skinny, people!

xoxo

JUST, WOW.

First ever fast.

I'm going to start a fast tomorrow...have NO idea how well that's going to go, but I really am going to try my hardest. If it gets tooooo bad, then I'll probably go back to 200 calories a day, otherwise I may just break and end up having a huge binge. It's better to allow myself to have controlled food than to push myself too far which will just cause the opposite of what I want. That said, I WILL do three days at least. I have to. Well that's what I've predecided anyway. Cool if anyone else wants to join!

I'm allowed to drink the following: water (obviously), zero calorie sugar-free squash, diet coke/coke zero, green tea, normal tea with one sweetener and a tiny splash of skimmed milk (just how I like it anyway). And that's it. It seems scary to me, but I'm secretly so excited. Apparently if you do a fast you lose like a pound a day - think positive!

Oh, by the way, if anyone else wants to download Wasted as a free pdf file, then here's the link: http://depositfiles.com/en/files/8661557 - sometimes things like this get removed after a while, but it's definitely working for the moment.

So I posted on yahoo answers that I was seeking a pro ana email buddy to really get into the personal and help each other on our road to skinniness. Although a blog is helping there's something about focusing on one person and sort of believing that you're both in this together and you can't let each other down. Anyway, I posted a question thing and specified that I wanted someone my age and in the UK, and preferably in the same part of their life as me - ie. going to uni. It just makes working together and relating to each other so much easier. Though I have NOTHING against helping a 14 year old and getting advice from them...but it means we'll have different problems. They have the problem of hiding it from their parents, whilst I practically live alone. In a way I wish someone was sort of watching over me - not 24/7 but more often than at the moment, because it may actually help me to stop getting binging cravings. When I'm alone, I want to eat SO much more...cause no one will see the damage. It's bad. But I'm getting over this - slowly.

Anyway, I got a couple of emails posted under my question, so I sent them both an email, admittedly the same email, but I wanted to find out which one of them I could relate to more. Now I've just browsed their yahoo answers account, and one of them seems to have joined yahoo answers purely to reply to my question with their email which seems very promising. Well, the other...not so much. This is what she wrote in reply to another question; that question being:

Understanding anorexics and others who suffer from food disorders?

Sometimes I think food disorders are about attention. I know I shouldn't think that, but if they aren't, what are they caused by?"

Her answer:
Well everyones gonna be different. Some do it for attention, some to cope with feelings, past experinces, depression, striving to "do one right thing in there life," so they believe, and to deal with anxiety. The list goes on. Not everyone knows each other, maybe one girl has to deal with growing up with abuse, so she turned to anorexia to feel accepted. Maybe one girl just looks at her friends and decides she really needs to lose weight. Theres no one answer. Accept this is a serious issue, and when people turn to this, they need serious help, which is absoultly always avaliable. There's so much more to live for than food and weight...

Well that's just great - I hope she realises I'm just going to block her emails anyway now. I think it was kinda pointless of her to ONLY leave her email so I would think it was someone who actually wanted to help me. But no, she wanted to trick me into emailing her, the pro ana hater. I just thought it was a little unnecessary and wanted to rant about it. I wonder what she'll email back - I mean I asked the woman if she wanted to join me in a fast! Ha..

If anyone wants to join me in a fast, let me knoowww! 

Over and out, future skinnies.

xoxo

(Whyyy won't this let me upload my photos anymore? Anyone else got this problem?)