I gave myself some freedom - and MAN I filled it with food...

I'd been doing so well - fasted for 5 days - no slip-ups, and then had 200 calories for a few days - no slip-ups. and now I go eat chocolate. Why? Just why. I wasn't even hungry - the feeling of being hungry had pretty much vanished all together. I just wanted something. So I sat there, thinking about my favourite chocolate my friend had brought me back from Sweden sitting in the cupboard. And then my mouth starts watering like some sick, fat pig. Who's mouth WATERS when thinking about food? I'm disgusting.
So I ate it.
Now it wasn't one of those portion bars which only has about 250-300 calories in, oh no...THAT I probably wouldn't cry over. It was a hefty 400 gram bar. I'm so ashamed to even admit it. It just went down quickly...Bam! And the whole damn thing was gone, and I just sat there crying and feeling sick. This was one of those moments I wanted to purge so badly - but I just don't. I don't even think I'd manage. After this I just sat at home moping. Wishing I could control my cravings like all the models and actresses. I know controlling cravings is hard and all that - but SO many people seem to manage it, so why shouldn't I.

The only good thing that came out of this was motivation to continue my ana ways and not fail again. In my motivation of feeling gross and crap I planned out my next week of food. I have written EXACTLY what I'll consume in the next days, but I'm allowed to drink anything as long as it's low to no calorie. Now, I'm pretty good at following plans, so considering I've planned a week now, I'll plan the week after that towards the end of this week and so on and so fourth. PLEASE give me the motivation to continue. It's all I want. I had my "fun" with the chocolate today so it's time to get back on track. And to be honest, the chocolate wasn't even that amazing - it was like 5 mins of pleasure and then nothing, just sickness and feeling gross.

Tomorrow, I'll be consuming 3 plain low fat rice cakes. Yeah, I know, it sounds terribly boring, but I need to get into the state of mind where food is uninteresting and unimportant. And plain rice cakes should do that. To be honest, I don't mind them - I think they're kinda yummy, but not more-ish which is good. Obviously, I'd want to eat something else. But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm going to kick that chocolate's ass with my next planned out week. Screw you cravings - I am so over you.

Remember that food is uninteresting, future skinnies.

xoxo

THINSPO