The attempted calm after the storm

So I binged yesterday, it was really bad. I was just really down for various reasons so my boyfriend surprised me with ordering Domino's which arrived a few minutes after I did at his place. I really was feeling pretty rotten so I just went for it. I ate it. I had three slices of the damn pizza as well as a few other things along the way, like biscuits and Haribo and just general junk. I'm now sick to my stomach with myself and I just feel so rotten. Like a massive failure.

At this point in time I really want to be strong and just NOT eat for at least a whole day or two, but I know that'll just lead to more failure as I'll go crazy not being able to have anything but water. I have tried it before and I just crack. So I'm going to try not to dwell too much on the happenings of yesterday as I've already cried my eyes out of it for a few hours. I am back on my 'nothing at all over 400 cal per day' diet now, and since it's 13.00 or so here, I haven't eaten anything yet. I always find my cravings come really badly between three and six in the afternoon - so I usually try to hold off until those hours to eat the bulk of whatever I'm having that day. Of course I crave like crazy later in the evening but I just DON'T let myself eat anything after six.

I know 400 calories can be a lot to work with if I for example make my own salads and don't use dressing, and by eating low calorie things, but some days I just go crazy for something like chocolate. The other day I couldn't stand it, I needed chocolate. I went and bought one small bar of chocolate and left, and it was amazing. 260 calories of chocolate is a lot on top of other stuff, but it is all I ate that day. So in actual fact, I can eat whatever the fuck I want just small amounts of it. The hunger doesn't really bug me anymore, so I'm fine on just one bar of chocolate or one cookie or something in a day.

There are these ridiculous cookies in the Sainsbury's supermarkets. It's their bakery section, so you have to go ask them to look the nutritional info up for you, or alternatively e-mail them, which I did, this is what I got:

Taste the Difference milk chocolate cookies 
 Per cookie 
1628 kjoules 
390 kcals 

390 calories in ONE average sized cookie. Haha, absolutely fucking terrible. I guess if I really wanted one that would be my limit for the day, but to be honest, the other cookies are the same size but with about 170 calories less. To be honest though, the cookies are pretty damn amazing. Not sure they're worth the 390 calories though.

Think I might have some wheatabix today as I've really been feeling like cereal. And Wheatabix is easy as you don't have to go measure out the portion size etc, and two tablets of the cereal seems like quite a bit. It is filling at least. With 100ml of skimmed milk, it's 150 calories, which isn't too bad and leaves me som lenience for the rest of the day. 

I watched Black Swan the other day, the pretty new Natalie Portman movie about ballet. And my god she's so tiny in it. Way smaller than she has ever been before, and she got a lot of flak for that. But she looked stunning - so tiny and weightless. I will be like that.

xoxo 

Yes please to legs like these

Drown yourself in water

'Starving Artist' was totally right with her suggestion of basically drinking a fuck load of water when craving food. I tried it, and I drank as much as I physically felt I could, and my stomach just felt so full of liquid that I didn't think I could actually fit more in. Having your stomach that full also makes the hunger go away. Awesome tip there - really appreciated it. To top it off, after drinking loads of water I brushed my teeth, so my cravings were 100% gone. Another thing that helps me is reading a little of Wasted by Marya Hornbacher - not really intended as motivation but it does the trick. I do have it on a file so if anyone wants it I can email it, (first come first serve though, not going to keep emailing it for years obviously), just leave the email in comments.

Had 301 calories today, which is right on my target, well 1 calorie over...but hey. I had a yoghurt at 95 calories and zero fat, toffee flavour so it did sort of feel like a treat to be honest! And then I had toast with weight watchers baked beans, sooo long since I've had that English dish. I did drink a lot too, and I'm taking my vitamins. Superficially chosen by me: vitamins targeting the nutrients hair needs. I really do love my hair. Went to the hair dressers and apparently my hair is so healthy now - she could tell by the masses of new strands coming through at my scalp - whoop.

It's evening now, and I just love the feeling of feeling slim in the evening. When I eat a lot more than 300 calories in a day I just feel enormous and bloated by the evening. I think of things I used to eat in a day and feel disgusted that that much volume of food was being pressed into a fist-sized stomach or so. As soon as this 'stretching' happens my whole midriff expands and the ability to suck in etc is completely gone and you're left with an outwards bump that won't go away till morning. Then you look in the mirror and fool yourself that you don't look that bad, and then the cycle begins and by the evening your belly looks nothing like the flat empty one you saw straight after waking up. Well that was the story for me anyway, and every night I would be equally upset that I made my stomach expand. It's just nice to be back on track and see absolutely no different between my morning belly and my evening belly. Sounds random, but it's true - it really does make me happy. Now I am not skinny yet, but at least I'm losing. It sucks, but it takes time. How amazing it would be if it was just instant.

Tomorrow I will eat this I reckon - and spread it out obviously. I have a lot of coursework to do tomorrow, so instead of indulging on two bricks of wheatabix wih semi skimmed milk all in one go, I'm going to go for lower calorie things so I will eat more often:

- Small Granny Smith apple (70kcal)

- Fat-free yoghurt (80kcal)

- WeightWatchers tomato soup (65kcal) - or might go for one of the other flavours I have, but they're even lower in calories anyway.

- Small Granny Smith apple again (70kcal)

I'm really wanting to start drinking coffee, just black americano coffee. For multiple reasons really, one being that I think it's incredibly cool (which is a ridiculous reason). Though people do say it helps speed metabolism, and also, it does give energy, which I could probably use after dropping from eating normally to eating 300 calories. Maybe I will try it soon. I'll give allt he cafes a little go - one of my friends drinks Starbucks black coffee every single day, but can't stand the one from Costa. Perhaps I will start with trying out starbucks as it tends to be more mild. I do love cappuccino though, but I'd rather have it minus the calories. 

Stay skinny, beautifuls. 

xoxo

2 days down, and an unbelievable 38 to go

Well, I have successfully managed my first two days of my comeback, which means I'm off to a good start at least. I didn't eat at all yesterday - I was too scared that if one thing touched my mouth after about 4 months off dieting that a sort of frenzy would begin and I wouldn't be able to stop myself before everything in sight was gone. But hey, I'm very happy that I ate nothing - it made me feel pure and cleansed. Today I ate two small green apples, which I weighed, and together they make up 120 calories - I love these techy online calculator things these days, totally pro-ana friendly.

Now I just hope I can keep it up! 38 days is a long time of eating under 200 (300 absolute max) per day.

It's weird how much better I feel when I don't eat, but then the cravings STILL manage to get the better of me so often. It's never the hunger, or the weak feeling, or even the 'I'm going to vomit cause I haven't eaten for sooo many hours' feeling that gets to me - never. At those times, eating is the last thing I want, cause it's my body's way of telling me I'm succeeding - and who wants to eat when you're feeling a bit sick anyway? It's purely stupid over-fantasized cravings. The ones which stop you from focusing on anything else and makes your mouth water so bad that its near impossible to resist. To be honest, it's disgusting. That is my new revelation; whenever my mouth waters because of food I am going to tell myself how sick I am that I'm letting food (which isn't even in front of me or anywhere near me!) control my body like that. It's purely my mind creating these images of food, nothing else - and it is MY mind, so I will overcome it.

The other thing that has made me crack in the past is the casual 'Ah whatever, I don't care' feeling that overcomes me after a while. Where I just lose focus and basically just say 'fuck it' and ear normally. But then I always end up depressed afterwards because I do care - I really do. From now on, not eating will be the priority in my thinking; I have to live it and breathe it every minute. Because this is it, I am running out of time; I can not stay in this body any longer - I don't belong here.

Tomorrow I'm going to an intimate birthday meal - I say intimate because there is only 6 of us, so not eating isn't an option unfortunately. The liklihood is that everything will be fried with the dreaded butter and oils which add so much more to restaurant meals than most people assume. It's a lovely expensive restaurant, so at least I hope it won't be the worst. Now, it specialises  in steaks, so I might go for a small one and then just not order any sides; or I guess I will look at the vegetarian options too. But vegetarian meals usually incorporate sides and sauces and make a whole plate out of it (when it comes to restaurants anyway). Whilst a plain grilled beef with no sauce and no extras in a small size can't be tooo much more than 300. In any case, I don't need to finish it, and my boyfriend will very kindly subtly finish off anything I leave. (He doesn't realise how much I appreciate this). I've looked at the menu online, and I was thoroughly disappointed that the only salads were tiny side salads, not actual meals - really annoying. I was thinking I could order one with my steak but then I thought - why add more calories to an already difficult meal. There may not me many calories in plain green salad without dressing - but every calorie counts.

So what does everyone else do on restaurant visits? Would love some tips.

It's my reading week here in London at my university at the moment - I really should be doing work, but being back on this diet is, yes relieving and amazing, but also time consuming when it comes to my thoughts. I find myself too occupied to work even though I'm just sitting on my bed thinking or doing nothing at all. Will have to pull myself together. The diet isn't all to blame though - Call of Duty: Black Ops, is definitely getting the better of my attention. Damn Xbox, totally taking over my life.

Stay light everyone!

xoxo

Megan Fox (recent). Press are saying she's looking a bit too skinny and losing all the 'assets' she's famous for. Personally: I don't think she's ever looked better.

I guess this is an 'I'm back' post

Well, well, well. Where to begin? I lost my internet for about a month, which was shit, because the only computers I could use were friends' computers, uni computers', and my boyfriend's computer for the most part. All of these are of course big no-no's when it come to anything pro-ana related.

Then there's the BIG reason - my mum has had cancer for about 14 years now, but it's always been small, and controlled in a way. Not caused too many issues, mostly due to the hugely new and expensive treatment my dad's lucky enough to afford for her. Though about 2 weeks after I stopped posting cause of lack of internet access, she flew over from Switzerland (my parents live there, I live in London- we basically live all over the place) to tell me that her cancer has radically spread and things aren't going too well. Due to having cancer for so long, her heart is now so weak, and her blood pressure through the roof. All the time. She's meant to be put on a transplant list for a new heart, but who gives a new heart to someone with a terminal illness right? It's just been a really big deal, and I've fallen behind on everything including Ana, whom i completely left behind in all the bad news and drama.

My mum is still alive, and she's doing ok considering - she really is a strong person to still be coping. She's on a new treatment set now, which seems to be helping a little. It's just so scary - I don't want to lose her, and I see now that she'll probably be slipping away a lot sooner than she should. She's not on her deathbed or anything at the moment, but I'm obviously worried.

That said, I'm not going to make excuses and give up on my dream. Yeah, the past months have been hard, but we're all getting through it and I'm appalled that I've only lost 2 kg in these many months. I'm back on track from today though - I guess I should be happy that I've actually lost weight whilst eating normally again - so all those suckers who claim that pro ana diets make you gain it ALL back and more straight away can stuff it.

I really need to find motivation now, so I will be reading all your lovely motivational blogs, and checking out some of those amazing thinspiration blogs out there.

I have made a little check list, the next forty days, I have a limit of 200 calories per day - very little because I need to start with a bang, and also I doubt I will be doing much more than bedroom exercise. Well walking too though, lots and lots of walking.

I'm looking forward to putting a big fat tick next to every single one of those forty days on my little chart. I am so ready to get skinny. I'm sick of worrying about summer and bikinis and tiny little shorts. I WILL be comfortable in my own skin this summer. I must.

The thought of not being able to grab or pinch any fat on my body warms me. I just want to be pure, just me - no excess.

Missed you all, and hope I still have a follower or two now I'm back.

xoxo