Trigger book...

Today I fasted. Thanks for the advice BellaAna...I totally did what you suggested, and you're right. And since I managed to not eat at all today and only drink low or no calorie drinks I feel I'm back on track, and positive I'll manage my no more than 200 cal a day diet. To be honest, I don't have a choice - I  can't live like this anymore.

Just downloaded Wasted by Marya Hornbacher for free which is awesome, been looking for it for sometime and I finally found it. Apparently it's pretty good thinspo, and if you sorta read in the wrong way you can actually get some nice tips and tricks, or it'll simply trigger you to continue with your pro-ana lifestyle. Obviously she's not trying to be a trigger, but many claim the book really is. 

Tomorrow, I will eat 3 low fat rice cakes and one small apple (all spread out over the day of course). And that will be it. I know I can do this. I have to. That is what I will eat, and that is all. I'm allowed green tea, coke zero and water too. I will not be a failure and have to admit it on here. 

I'm now going to tuck into bed and continue reading Wasted (only read the first chapter so far). I feel so amazingly empty and light. I must remember this feeling, it actually feels good as opposed to feeling bloated and stuffed - lets admit, no one likes that feeling.

Stay empty, bitches.

xoxo

Pasta is evil.

So I mentioned that I was going to be having spaghetti tonight with my boyfriend and that it would be the only thing I ate today and would go to the gym today as well for two hours. I did go to the gym, and I did eat the spaghetti. And I don't think I've ever felt this bad ever.

That one small bowl of spaghetti and meatballs (which wasn't hard to eat as it was really yummy) has left me feeling enormous. I feel huge, unhappy, depressed. I'm the biggest failure ever. I reckon my bowl was 800 calories, and I burned 700 at the gym today but nothing seems to lift my mood. All I want to do right now is spiral into a whole new set of extremes. I want to take my 500 cal per day limit down to 200, and keep it there. For a really long time. I keep stepping on the scales and the numbers just aren't moving. I'll admit I probably weight myself too often to ever make me happy with the results, but still. It's just the worst feeling ever.

I can't even look at myself right now. If I go to the mirror I think I will cry. I just want what I ate out of me right now. I don't purge, and I won't do it either. I tried like 5 times in my life and failed to manage every time, so there's really no point. Also, I think that if I slip up and fail I should have to deal with the consequences, that way I'll learn discipline not just destroy my teeth. That said though, if I could, I probably would - especially at times like these.

I really truly hate how I look, I'm completely ashamed. I try on like 20 different outfits every day and none of them ever look good enough, sometimes at the end of my depressing fashion show I end up not leaving the flat at all, cause I just don't feel comfortable in my own body.

I guess I always knew there'd be days like this, but hey, maybe it'll just make me stronger.

THIN PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS MORE BEAUTIFUL

Tricky day...

My boyfriend's coming over tonight, and though he's usually fine with me eating something totally different to him, like a small salad or a tiny tray of sushi or like half a weightwatchers meal he seems adament that tonight we shall eat together. And guess what he picked? Spaghetti and meatballs... It's kinda a disaster. I don't want to push it though, cause I don't want him to actually realise how much I see food like that as an enemy. He's not the kinda guy to push things like that under the carpet - he'll attack my 'problem' and make me scared of losing him. I love him more than anyone in the world, and he means everything to me. Been together for over three years now and he loves my UK size 10 figure a hell of a lot more than I do. So around him, I guess I kinda need to adjust. It's just so hard.

I'm glad it'll be an early dinner though, as he has this thing to go to later, so we'll be eating around 17.30, so I will go to the gym after he's left. I don't even have a clue how many calories a small portion of spaghetti and meatballs with tomato sauce. He won't care if I eat a childs amount, he just seems to want to watch me eat it. Whoop. It will be all I consume today though, and I'll spend a couple hours at the gym this evening, which will definitely help. I tend to avoid going to the gym to be honest, which is shit I know. But I feel like I have to eat more when I do, or I just sort of collapse or feel so sick I can't really sat upright for most of the day. I guess I'm just weak. Ironically I feel so fat at the gym compared to anywhere else (minus the beach), so I hate going cause it feels so degrading. It's really strange as no one really judges how you look at the gym, everyone's just there minding their own business and kudos to everyone for going in the first place!

It's crazy how much I think about food when I'm so set on not eating it. It's true that pro-anas really ARE obsessed with food, just not in the same way as most.

Stay strong, bitches.

THINSPO

Taking up planning.

I binged yesterday. It was the worst feeling ever but it tasted so amazing. With every bite I was thinking 'I shouldn't be doing this. I really shouldn't be doing this'...it kinda took the pleasure out of it, which is why I stopped after only half the pot of Ben and Jerry's - otherwise I promise you the entire thing would have gone down. I still can't believe I ate it. This should be easy! Getting skinny should be easy cause it's what I want, more than pretty much everything. I just can't believe I let my self control slip after so long of doing well.

I've decided to plan out my food every evening for the coming day. I find that I mess up most when I start thinking 'Humm, what do I feel like eating? What should I eat?' is when I screw up most. So now I'll never have to think that, I'll eat what's on my plan. And only that.

Plan for today:
- Rice Cake (28 cal)
- Small Apple (50 cal)
- One serving of jelly (10 cal - gotta love the sugarfree jelly!)
- Heinz pasta shapes, small (127)

Total: 215


I guess the only good thing about a binge is that it really makes you motivated afterwards. My second year of uni has just started again though, so I'll be busier. Less time to just sit around near the fridge...

Now, I'm going to watch the new Gossip Girl and 90210 - both GREAT thinspos.

THINSPO

What I ate today...

Today I had nothing all day but a can of coke zero and lots of water. I had one serving of soup for dinner (140 calories), and a small raw carrot (10 calories).

So overall, I had 150 calories today. I'm not skinny yet - but I will be.

Waking up hungry...

The worst is when I wake up hungry. Cause when I wake up that way it feels like the hunger will never go and I'm weak from the first minute of the day. I also generally try to convince myself that it's ok to eat something yummy or some cereal because it's morning, and I need to kickstart my metabolism and 'I'll probably burn it of during the day'... Well no, it's not ok for me to just stuff my face just cause it's morning. So I'm going to go take a diet coke and make that fill my belly instead - yeah, real healthy I know.

I will be skinny. I will be skinny. I will be skinny. Need to say it out loud, cause sometimes I seem to forget. I guess one binge now and then is acceptable, but one often turns into three or five, and before you know it, you've put on a few pounds. Not this time round, I won't allow myself. Fallen down that hill too many times before.

If being skinny is pretty much the one thing I want more than anything right now, and it is indeed something I can easily do about it - why do I find it so hard?

My mother's always thought I was fat, so she's delighted that I'm on a calorie restricted diet to be honest. I do tell her I'm eating 600 a day, which is a total lie, but I figured giving her the actual numbers would trigger her thoughts: I should protest to that cause it's not technically good, but secretly she'd be delighted. I don't actually live with her as I'm at uni and I live with my older sister, but so far she's uncontrollably happy with my rapid weight loss. She's a bit twisted like that, but hey! I'll take whatever support I can get.

My sister on the other hand likes to criticise it, but she's just pissed she always fails her diet, so she secretly doesn't want me to succeed. And then there's my boyfriend - my amazing boyfriend who doesn't like bones. I mostly live with him to be honest, as he has his own flat. He wants me to be happy obviously, so he's ok (ish) with me going on a diet, he's just NOT ok with the diet I'm on.

How do you hide it from the people you're close to?

THINSPO

Less likely to f up when people are watching.

So I'm completely new at this stuff, but I've been reading so many pro ana blogs this past month, and sadly a lot of them have been abandoned. I kinda like writing, so I figured I'd give it a shot. I mean, I should be less likely to screw up when I have to admit it to people, right?

I'm going to have a total no secrets policy when it comes to progress anyway - I gain - I tell. I binge- you'll know.

It's crazy, I've been trying to diet for about 6 years now, and every single one left me with a feeble 2kg (4.4lbs) loss, which I put straight back on again. Why the hell should losing weight be so hard when the single thing I want most in life is to actually be skinny for once, not normal or average, but skinny. Everyone in the world looks better thin, and I'm one of them. I used to be tiny up to the age of 13 when it all went wrong. Now I'm 20 and I'm still unhappy. I am honestly ashamed that I've tried to convince myself that I'm not fat and ugly and gross. Although, I have lost 10kg (22lbs) in one and a half month now...and I have the pro ana lifestyle to thank. It's the only thing that's worked. I count calories like a hawk and am constantly thinking about food, not generally about wanting to eat it, but about what I can't eat, what I can eat, and in general - what I won't eat.

Petty 'healthy' diets never did anything for me, extremes are the way forward. And who wants to spend an entire year on a full diet to lose weight. I want it done quick and fast - cause I'm sick of being like this.

I generally eat under 500 calories a day, and it's amazing how much you can eat really. If I'm having a proper dinner I eat a weight watchers microwave ready meal, and usually don't bother finishing it. My weakness is diet coke and the likes, which stops the cravings and fills my stomach - so all in all, it's not a bad craving.

What I ate today:
- 2 Low fat rice cakes (56)
- 150g of blackberries (56)
- Marks & Spencer low cal/low fat fish pie (260)
- 2 small carrots (15)
TOTAL: 387 calories (and I feel good)

Really want to get hold of the book Wasted - I've heard it's brilliant and triggering. Now that I've lost 10kg, I need motivation to actually KEEP GOING. I'm not at my goal yet, but my mind really seems to be slipping, I was actually considering buying a Krispy Kreme earlier, and we all know that would end in tears.

Catch y'all later, bitches.

xoxo

THINSPO