Tricky day...

My boyfriend's coming over tonight, and though he's usually fine with me eating something totally different to him, like a small salad or a tiny tray of sushi or like half a weightwatchers meal he seems adament that tonight we shall eat together. And guess what he picked? Spaghetti and meatballs... It's kinda a disaster. I don't want to push it though, cause I don't want him to actually realise how much I see food like that as an enemy. He's not the kinda guy to push things like that under the carpet - he'll attack my 'problem' and make me scared of losing him. I love him more than anyone in the world, and he means everything to me. Been together for over three years now and he loves my UK size 10 figure a hell of a lot more than I do. So around him, I guess I kinda need to adjust. It's just so hard.

I'm glad it'll be an early dinner though, as he has this thing to go to later, so we'll be eating around 17.30, so I will go to the gym after he's left. I don't even have a clue how many calories a small portion of spaghetti and meatballs with tomato sauce. He won't care if I eat a childs amount, he just seems to want to watch me eat it. Whoop. It will be all I consume today though, and I'll spend a couple hours at the gym this evening, which will definitely help. I tend to avoid going to the gym to be honest, which is shit I know. But I feel like I have to eat more when I do, or I just sort of collapse or feel so sick I can't really sat upright for most of the day. I guess I'm just weak. Ironically I feel so fat at the gym compared to anywhere else (minus the beach), so I hate going cause it feels so degrading. It's really strange as no one really judges how you look at the gym, everyone's just there minding their own business and kudos to everyone for going in the first place!

It's crazy how much I think about food when I'm so set on not eating it. It's true that pro-anas really ARE obsessed with food, just not in the same way as most.

Stay strong, bitches.

THINSPO