Pasta is evil.

So I mentioned that I was going to be having spaghetti tonight with my boyfriend and that it would be the only thing I ate today and would go to the gym today as well for two hours. I did go to the gym, and I did eat the spaghetti. And I don't think I've ever felt this bad ever.

That one small bowl of spaghetti and meatballs (which wasn't hard to eat as it was really yummy) has left me feeling enormous. I feel huge, unhappy, depressed. I'm the biggest failure ever. I reckon my bowl was 800 calories, and I burned 700 at the gym today but nothing seems to lift my mood. All I want to do right now is spiral into a whole new set of extremes. I want to take my 500 cal per day limit down to 200, and keep it there. For a really long time. I keep stepping on the scales and the numbers just aren't moving. I'll admit I probably weight myself too often to ever make me happy with the results, but still. It's just the worst feeling ever.

I can't even look at myself right now. If I go to the mirror I think I will cry. I just want what I ate out of me right now. I don't purge, and I won't do it either. I tried like 5 times in my life and failed to manage every time, so there's really no point. Also, I think that if I slip up and fail I should have to deal with the consequences, that way I'll learn discipline not just destroy my teeth. That said though, if I could, I probably would - especially at times like these.

I really truly hate how I look, I'm completely ashamed. I try on like 20 different outfits every day and none of them ever look good enough, sometimes at the end of my depressing fashion show I end up not leaving the flat at all, cause I just don't feel comfortable in my own body.

I guess I always knew there'd be days like this, but hey, maybe it'll just make me stronger.

THIN PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS MORE BEAUTIFUL